Enclosed are three postings I saved out for their humor value. The
first helps document when the "netgod" label was in vogue (and I
didn't like it particularly much), one is about as good an analysis of
"car for sale" adds in net.general as there ever was, and the third
indicates that Richard Sexton had fish on his mind before the soc/rec
aquaria debate...
After this, I'm going home for the night. :-)
--spaf
=====Included #1
>From spaf Thu Apr 3 22:15:29 EST 1986
Article 1507 of net.rumor:
Path: gatech!spaf
From: spaf@gatech.CSNET (Gene Spafford)
Newsgroups: net.rumor
Subject: Re: take over
Date: 4 Apr 86 03:15:14 GMT
References: <270@kodak.UUCP> <130@proper.UUCP>
Organization: Software Engineering Research Center (SERC), Georgia Tech
In article <130@proper.UUCP> carl@proper.UUCP (Carl Greenberg) writes:
>In article <270@kodak.UUCP> suhina@kodak.UUCP (brian suhina) writes:
>>I have heard a rumor the net.rumor is being taken over by a group of
>>crazies. Can anyone verify this?
>I have heard some kind of weirdness regarding this "Carl Greenberg"
>fellow out in Berkeley who thinks Gene Spafford is the antichrist.
>It seems this lunatic wants to take over the USENET and oust people
>who are against computerised weirdness. Can anybody besides Andy
>Beals (bandy@lll-crg) verify this?
> Carl Greenberg
Well, I have heard this a few times recently and think I ought to clear
the matter up. I was offered the position of antichrist in 1983, but
turned it down due to the amount of travel required. (I heard it was
offered next to a certain member of the "fun people," but I'm not sure
if he took the position. However, it is interesting to note that he is
now in NJ and that HoneyDanBer UUCP uses "666" for a packet checksum.
Makes you wonder, eh?)
Later, due to my excessive zeal as a net-fascist, I accepted a
promotion to "netgod" in 1984. Due to an unfortunate accident last
year when I was testing my powers, I turned Andy into a newt (he got
better, though). I think he may still hold it against me, so don't
believe anything he might say about the whole incident.
It's a job. It doesn't pay well (actually, it doesn't pay at
all), and I have to take a lot of flak from the pedants and boors, but
hey -- I count myself as lucky. After all, how many positions are open
to an extra-terrestrial without a permanent visa? (When I arrived, I
traded the secret of anti-gravity for one, but it turned out to be a
dog license with the word "dog" scratched out and "Vegan" written in in
crayon. Was I embarassed!)
As to the rest of the rumor: no, I don't want to take over Usenet. I
already have. And yes, I am against all weirdness. I believe that the
Usenet is only for technical discussions of great import, just like
this one. Should you persist in rumor-mongering of this nature, I will
be forced to turn you into a lower life-form -- something like a
toaster, or a backbone admin.
So there. And your little dog too!
--
Gene Spafford
Software Engineering Research Center, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332
CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf%GATech.CSNet @ Relay.CS.NET
uucp: ...!{akgua,decvax,hplabs,ihnp4,linus,seismo,ulysses}!gatech!spaf
======Included #2
>From islenet!bob Fri Sep 28 03:11:34 1984
From: bob@islenet.UUCP (Robert P. Cunningham)
Newsgroups: net.followup,net.wanted
Subject: Re: Car for Sale. (secret of net.general revealed)
Date: 28 Sep 84 07:11:34 GMT
Organization: Hawaii Institute of Geophysics
[begin lampoon mode]
Seeing the articles in net.general for apartments to let in
Mississippi and '67 Plymouths for sale in Chicago I used to wonder:
Why would people advertise such things worldwide?
No more. I've put 2+2 together, thanks to an obscure federal government
census report. I now know the secret behind such postings.
The "Place of Work" report, compiled from 1980 federal census survey data,
describes the way people travel to their jobs in the U.S. It's meant to
used by government agencies for transportation planning.
I found much mundane information about the state & city where I live.
E.g., the state of Hawaii has 412,307 workers, of which various percentages
travel to work via various means of transportation.
However...
Thirty-three people working in Honolulu reported that they rode to their jobs
in a subway, elevated train or by railroad. Rather strange, since as far
as I know, Honolulu has never had a subway or elevated train...and the
railroads went out of business in the 1920's.
Could this mean that there is a secret rail transportation system, known only
to those 33 people?
Eight people living outside the state reported that it took them an average
of 28.4 minutes to commute to their jobs via bus vs. the 36.8 minutes it
took the 32,984 workers who live in the state to get to their jobs via bus.
The state of Hawaii is completely isolated in the middle of the Pacific
Ocean. I refuse to believe those eight people live on the ocean. Does
this mean that these eight people have access to a bus capable of making
quick overseas trips?
It gets even more interesting...
Exactly 204 people who live OUTSIDE the state WALK to work. Presumably by
walking on water.
And - according to the report - there are MORE THAN 1,000 people who live
outside the state and travel to work by car.
I'd thought the out-of-state car license plates I saw in Honolulu were
simply the same plates that those cars had before being brought over here by
ship. According to the federal report, I was wrong. Some of those drivers
obviously commute daily.
Then, the other day, the proof. I saw a '67 Plymouth with Illinois license
plates on the Lunalilo Freeway. Note that despite its Hawaiian name, the
freeway is part of the federal "Interstate Highway" system!
Pulling up beside the car, I yelled over to the driver, "Did you actually
drive that car all the way to Hawaii?"
His answer was "Right. Sure!" He laughed and drove away, and I didn't
have a chance to ask him if he got the car through an advertisement in
net.general.
However, there's little doubt left in my mind. The evidence is plain:
those old cars advertised worldwide because they are capable of
fast, WORLDWIDE travel!
In order to fully uncover the secret of net.general, I intend to buy the
very next '67 Plymouth advertised there for sale in Illinois, and learn
the secret of rapid intercontinental travel. Who knows, some day I
may be able to commute from that apartment in Mississippi!
--
Bob Cunningham ..{dual,ihnp4,vortex}!islenet!bob
Honolulu, Hawaii
=====Included #3
Path: purdue!decwrl!labrea!bloom-beacon!mit-eddie!killer!wisner
From: wisner@killer.DALLAS.TX.US (Bill "Spam Eggs Sausage and Spam" Wisner)
Newsgroups: soc.women,misc.legal,talk.religion.misc,news.admin,news.groups
Subject: And now for a friendly word from System Administrator Man
Date: 31 Jul 88 10:37:27 GMT
Organization: HASA
Good morning, kids. It's me. System Administrator Man.
I've been sent here by an exclusive little group of System Administrators
just like me to let you know that most of us really don't care about what
pronouns you use to refer to Mark Ethan Smith, about his lawsuit, about
Christianity, the Bible, and atheism.
Those of us that DO care probably subscribe to the appropriate groups.
So, since it's become quite bothersome to keep up-to-date kill files
to weed out all you boneheads, I've been asked to deliver the following
warning:
Stop discussing these, and other topics that have nothing to do with
running USENET, out of the news.all newsgroups.
Because if you don't, we'll tell Richard Sexton that you ate his fish.
Richard Sexton has friends. Big friends. Big, strong friends named Mario
that carry automatic weapons. They will find you. They will find you and
do unspeakable things to you. Things that would make even George Romero
cringe. And they will take their time.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Speaking for an elite club of System Administrators, none of whom are
named Bubba--
--
Bill Wisner / wisner@killer.dallas.tx.us / +1 208 286 7929
This page last updated on: Jul 1 09:16